Highwind Hijinks
by C. Nichole
Summary: We work hard, we play harder. Saving the world is serious business, but downtime definitely shouldn't be. A place for humor, diversions and situations only extreme boredom ever seems to bring about. First up: Tifa, Vincent, and a treadmill.


_Sooo...This is silly. Really silly, so if you're not up for that kind of thing- you've been warned. My writing has a tendency to be rather serious- depressing, angsty lol, so this is the place for the silly things that pop into my head that don't really fit into OBA or Stood Up._

_Let's say, these take place somewhere within the Stood Up time period, and may or may not deal with Vincent and Tifa (thought this one certainly does) and may or may not take place on the Highwind- though generally, they'll just deal with the inhabitants of said Highwind (though at this point, they wouldn't have the Highwind...but we'll just conveniently forget tiat- it's coming)._

_Take it, or leave it- and remember: I warned you!_

_Have fun :)_

* * *

_I should have stayed in my room. _I think to myself. Oh yes, perfect timing- opening the door _just_ in time to see Cloud disappear with Aerith around the corner of the hallway.

_Great. Super. _I mean, it's not as if I didn't know he adores her; hell, even _I _like her. I'd just prefer to _not_ have it be rubbed in my face.

It's not like I'm his girlfriend, or anything. But it's not like I wouldn't be if he'd ask me…

_Ghaa. _I walk past myself in the mirror- since when have I become the girl who pines after someone who may or may not be interested?

_You are perfectly capable of having a great time by yourself. _I tell myself, _you don't need Cloud, or anyone else for that matter._

Right? Right.

I puff some air into my bangs and walk around, surveying the room that I'm incidentally sharing with both Yuffie and Aerith- really, I should have guessed when she _didn't_ come back from the airship right away.

It's typical Gold Saucer Hotel of Horror: ghosts hanging in the closets, gargoyles outside the windows, fake thunder and lightening, Iron Maiden in the corner- and my favorite, a vampire hiding in the bathroom shower.

It almost makes me laugh to myself; all the times Yuffie has accused Vincent of being a vampire pop into my mind- I _know_ he's enjoying the rubber night-stalker in his bathroom.

Making my way back to the main room, I sit myself down on the bed. _I guess dinner with Cloud is out, dinner with the girls is out and I sure don't want to turn this into drinking bender at the bar so…_

I weigh my options. Barret is more than likely drinking it up in the Cracked Saucer Bar; Yuffie, oh, _I know _she's gambling; Red's probably roaming and Vincent… well, I don't think Vincent was ever an option.

_Does he even eat?_ I wonder, shaking my head. I'm turning into Yuffie, as if the poor guy needs another girl bothering him about his habits.

Flopping back onto the bed, I sink into the ridiculously fluffy covers. To be honest, I don't even really feel like doing anything. Just kicking around, taking it easy.

At least, that's what I'm telling myself at the moment.

I decide to check out what they have to offer on the television. News isn't reporting anything interesting- Rufus won another term in the election- _big _surprise there, the election's fixed anyways. So I flip to the special order channels.

The first thing to pop up is something called "Moonlight Desires" so I read the description: _A sexy romp on the dark side; indulge in your wildest fantasies with this timeless BDSM masterpiece! _

_WHOA. No thank you! I'm bored, but not __**that**__ bored._ I think, _who knew porn had timeless masterpieces._

I walk over to the terrifying looking chest near the entrance and whip out the Gold Saucer Information Guide. Not surprisingly, the book looks like it's bound in "flesh", which is a little gross if you ask me, but I flip through it anyways, searching for the entertainment and recreation tab.

Flipping open to the main page of the tab, it reads: _**Fame and fortune? We have it all at the Gold Saucer; every dream, secret fantasy, deepest, darkest wish, it's all possible and more! Simply call our front desk and our world famous concierge service will be more than happy to assist you.**_

_Well, at least I won't be bored here. _I think to myself before continuing to read:

_**Feeling the heat? Need to unwind? Why not try one of our infamous nude spas? Throw your inhibitions aside in this nude coed oasis featuring a mud pit, salt baths and personal scrub-downs by our highly professional and attractive staff. **_

_Hrm. Not really interested in what's sure to be an old man smorgasbord. Anything else? _ I wonder.

_**If our spa doesn't suit your tastes, why not try our completely vanilla exercise facility completely a fully functioning gym with treadmills, free-weights and a variety of machines to suit your needs. The exercise room is also adjacent to the regulation size swimming pool, sauna, steam room, and hot tub. **_

_Did they really just say vanilla in one of their hotel adverts? Seriously?_

I'm beginning to wonder just what we've gotten ourselves into by staying here.

_Well, I have to do something…and at the moment the exercise room seems like the safest bet for me. Yes, work up a healthy appetite and the gorge yourself at the all you can eat buffet. Perfect._

If there's anything that can make me feel better it's an all you can eat buffet.

I go over to my pack and pull out my sports-wear: cute, black tights, a tank-top with a built in bra and my tennis shoes. Not that I get much opportunity to use it, but occasionally a one-off night at an inn will give me some free time for running.

Clothes on and I feel good, I feel great, I have purpose! I am Tifa, hear me roar...err. Right.

I'm practically bouncing down the hall, through the lobby, through the gravestone on the far right and popping into the sports facility.

I poke my head in through the door, expecting some sort of cheesy, horror surprise…and nothing.

Just a sports centre: free weights, machines, steam room, televisions and ooh- I note with pleasure, it _is _adjacent to the swimming pool, as the guide told me it would be.

_Maybe I'll hit the hot tub later._ I mentally plan.

I make my way over to the treadmills, which are actually only about ten feet from the edge of the pool; I guess it's so the parents in the gym are able to watch their children having fun in the pool.

I strap the safety guard to my shirt and hit the button for a random run- I'm feelin' gutsy.

Twenty minutes later and I'm sweating up a storm. I never used to like running before we started all of this, but three days straight in a buggy and believe me, you'd wish for the freedom of movement that goes along with being able to run.

I'm kind of in the moment, feeling the endorphins kick in from the exercise so I'm not really paying attention to the other people in the room that is, until, of them decides to park themselves intensely close to the right corner of my machine.

_Blonde, peppy, definitely gaping at something. _I note absently.

"Check out the ass on _that_ guy!" I heard the girl exclaim in the general direction of the swimming pool.

"Guy?" Another girl, who had crammed up right beside her said, "Try _God._ Wow- asses that nice should be illegal."

My mind clicks into focus at that comment and I kind of shift my head to the side, towards where they seemed to be talking. Now, I'm really more of a shoulder-arms-abs kind of girl, but I have been known to appreciate a good ass, so I ready myself for a nice look.

This is not a good ass. This is a stupendous ass. This ass is what sculptors dreamed of having model for them, what women drool over, what men secretly wish they possessed.

This ass is fucking _magnetic. _

Glistening from the pool, the ass (ok, so the rest of the body too) practically swaggers up and out of the water. He's wearing something too tight to be considered boxer like, but loose enough that it's still appealing- but it hugs his ass like a freaking glove.

I don't even register the upper body; my mind is completely drawn downward. Water beads off of his body and down his legs, over naturally bronzed, but unnaturally pale skin- almost as if he'd only stand in the sun for a few minutes he'd have the most glistening tan- one of those gods-awful complexions that I am _completely_ envious of_- _but am loving on this piece of…well, ass.

I can't handle it. My mind flies out my ear in a rush; the only thing that exists in the world, in all of Gaia, is my eyes and that ass.

_Ghaa….._ My brain soups out. I'm done for.

I'm _so _done for, in fact, that my mind fails to register that am _still_ running on a treadmill, which means I am _still _in need of my feet to perform properly. And so- I misstep, I trip, and I fall- _hard._

"SON OF A BITCH!" I curse loudly, treadmill coming to a quick stop (lucky I'm the only person in the world who uses the safety strap) and pull myself into a seated position from where I'm currently sprawled on the ground.

The two girls who were ogling the ass come over and ask me if I'm okay.

"Fine, fine. Really, I just need to watch what I'm doing," I say, trying to keep the blush from staining my cheeks.

The girls smirk at me knowingly before one of them looks to the left sharply and gasps. The other one looks up too and her face seems to take on a dreamy quality.

Naturally, I can't resist so I look too.

Boy howdy. Was I _ever_ not prepared for this. I'm pretty sure the shock is apparent on my face as my eyes widen with recognition (not before skimming up and down and up and then down and then up again for good measure. Erm- _maybe_ he didn't notice).

His eyes are laughing.

He did.

"_Vincent," _I choke out.

"_Tifa…_are you alright?" he says, eyebrow raised.

_Alright?_ I wonder, _how am I supposed to be alright when you're standing there like that- in __**that**__._

I would have never guessed. Beneath all that fabric and cape and hiding from the world lay the body of a god.

My face is red, beet red, flaming-bright chocobo red. I might die; I was just ogling _Vincent. _Mr. Stoic-too-good-to-lower-myself-to-join-the-plebs-so-I'll-just-stand-in-my-corner-uh-stoically-himself.

Who knew underneath all that angst was such a sexy beast?

And wow…my eyes are melting in their sockets.

He's not super buff, obviously, but he's not as scrawny as I'd always assumed either- not by half. His shoulders aren't overly wide, but nice and strong looking, like he'd give you the…_uh…_ best piggy-back ride of your life? Yeah. Ahem. Let's go with that.

Standing there, he'd managed to grab a towel on the short walk over to my embarrassment, casually flicking it over his shoulder.

I'm almost completely certain drool is coming out at the sides of my mouth now.

The water dripping down his front is creating a pathway for my eyes and I'm trapped. A ribbed, glistening, gorgeous pathway- wow.

Clearly somebody drank all their milk when they were growing up.

_And how_… My mind volunteers, judging from the front of his swimming trunks.

_Oh fuck._ I did _not_ just check out Vincent's package with him standing right in front of me- _tell_ me I did not.

I look up- force myself to look up- into his eyes. If I didn't know better I'd swear he was laughing at me.

_Shit shit shit!_ I was and I did and he _saw. Again._

"I…uh…I…um…" I'm drowning, seriously, either throw me a preserver or pull me under.

He holds his hand out to me and I more than hear the girls beside me sigh, they visibly swoon.

_Traitors._

I reach out and grab his hand trying, and failing, not to notice how nicely toned his arms are, how his chest flexes as he pulls me forward, the way his hair softly falls in his eyes as he bends.

_Whoa, whoa, whoa_. I calm myself, _This is Vincent, Tifa. You know, that guy you've known for a few months now, but still manage to know nothing about? Yeah, that one. Pull yourself together!_

Right. Thanks for the mental slap there.

I reluctantly take my hand back from Vincent's and try to regain some of my composure.

The girls, sensing some sort of relationship between us, assume his ass is mine- and boy, at the moment, don't I wish- so they reluctantly slink over towards the free weights in pursuit of other conquests.

"So…" I try to start, "didn't know you swam…" I trail off.

_Didn't know you swam? What the hell is that, Tifa. Seriously. Not only does he probably think you're a pervert, but now an idiot too. Good job, bucko._

Luckily, for me, he doesn't seem to notice my lack of finesse at the moment, "I used to compete as a child."

"Oh." Wow, did he really just tell me something about himself?

I think the shock is pretty obvious on my face because he looks a little sheepish before coughing slightly, "If you're fine then…"

"Oh yeah, right. Perfect, thanks Vincent," I babble, "I better, uh, hit the showers. Gotta wash the skid marks off my ass…"

Oh _fuck._ No. _No. _That did not just come out of my mouth.

"I mean…um….because I fell…on the treadmill…" I finish lamely. "I'm just going to go now before suddenly I'm naked talking in front of an auditorium."

I feel kind of like I'm going to throw up and I can tell Vincent is trying _hard_ to contain himself.

He nods once before turning and walking away, shoulders shaking with silent laughter.

_Well, who knew Mr. Stoic had a sense of humor? Just needed to make an ass out of myself first..._

"Maybe I should just go drown myself in the pool now," I say to no one in particular.

Somehow I manage to make it back to my room without spontaneously bursting into flames and there I make quick work of the shower- scrubbing the embarrassment out of my body till my skin is bright pink.

Maybe I'd play it safe for the night and see if I could find Yuffie. Guaranteed she'd be making more of an ass of herself at the racetrack than I did with Vincent. Okay, so maybe not, but at least I'd get to watch her all huffy and angry from losing all her money betting on chocobos.

Yes, brilliant plan. Now if only I'd thought of it sooner.

* * *

a/n: For reference naked, coed spas _are_ decidedly terrifying- and yes, an old man smorgasbord. Lucky Tifa is too smart for that shit. Anywho, this is helpful for me- keeps me going and writing when life has been decidedly not inspirational (5 am starts at work are a huge fucking buzzkill). Hope it made you laugh.


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